I’ve been quiet since my last post, for a few reasons…. 1. We did not get pregnant after our first round of treatment 2. We started our second round of treatment and there just was not much to report 3. We were SUPER BUSY moving 4. I fell pregnant from our second round of treatment but miscarried at 7 weeks. I’ve had time to process and I’m still trying to heal but I am ready to share this part of our journey.
So we did not get pregnant after the first round. I was a little upset. I know it was only the first round but it’s hard to not get a little discouraged. I reminded myself that I did ovulate and this is only the first try with treatment. We started our second cycle of Letrozole and on day 12 (a Wednesday) of my cycle I went in for my follicle scan (remember that there needs to be at least 1 follicle and it needs to be 18mm in order to administer the trigger shot for ovulation) and my follicle was measuring 11mm. I went in two days later for a follow up ultrasound and it had grown to 14mm (Friday). I was super disappointed! The nurse called and told me to go ahead and trigger on Sunday not knowing the size of the follicle, so we did. After the trigger shot I am supposed to wait 14 days to take a pregnancy test and then send the results to the Dr. whether negative or positive. 14 days after my trigger shot just happened to land on Mothers day!
I was feeling discouraged after this round. I thought the follicle hadn’t grown enough and that this cycle was going to be a bust. During the 14 days of waiting we had A LOT going on! I did not track a single thing during that time! I basically put the baby making on the back burner. During the first week we were packing and moving out of our first home and trying to get everything together for a smooth closing. That was exhausting but so exciting! During the second week I went to the beach with my family for vacation. That was much needed relaxation and fun. Saturday, May 11th, we were packing the cars getting ready to head home from the beach and out of nowhere I was so sick! But only for about 30 mins and then everything was fine as if nothing happened. That is the first time I had a little inkling that just maybe I could be pregnant and I remembered I was scheduled to take a pregnancy test the next day. I was not excited about having to test on Mothers day; I didn’t want to be upset when I saw another negative test. So when I got home Saturday night I decided I was going to go ahead and test then (I had a few cheap test in the bathroom). I took the test and hopped in the shower. When I got out of the shower… there it was! A super super faint second line but it was there. I couldn’t believe it. I immediately showed Austin. I originally had this big plan where I was going to surprise him whenever this time came, but that didn’t happen. I could not hold it in for even 5 minutes! Austin is a little more apprehensive so when he saw the faint line he told me not to get too excited yet; honestly I don’t think he believed it was true. He promised we would go to the store first thing in the morning to get a more reliable test. So we did! We got 5!! Some were test that show two pink lines and some were digital and literally gave you a “YES” or “NO”. ALL 5 WERE POSITIVE!!! I found out on mothers day that I was going to be a mommy and it was the absolute best feeling ever!
That mothers day we already had plans for my parents, and both sets of Austins parents to all have dinner together. It is very rare that we are all together so I thought it would be the perfect time to share our news with our moms, even though it was early. They have been with us on this journey since the beginning so if anything was to happen we would still want them by our sides, good or bad. Austin’s mom offered me wine a couple of times and I just said “I am alcohol’d out from the beach” lol. We were waiting on Austins dad and step mom to arrive and I was so anxious! Once his step mom arrived I think she was only in the door for 5 minutes before I said “Okay let’s open presents!” I slipped a pregnancy test in each of their gifts and videoed them as they opened them together. There was screaming and happy tears from everyone. It was so awesome! I think we can all agree that that was the best mothers day yet.
I was scheduled for an hcg beta test (blood pregnancy test) the next morning. They take a blood test to confirm the pregnancy. The nurse called me later that day with my results. My hcg levels were at 41.9. She said that was “kind of” low and that they like to see them at or above 60 on the first draw. She said this could be completely normal or this could also be the start of an early miscarriage. She scheduled me to come back two days later to re-check them to make sure my levels are rising. My heart dropped into my stomach. I was so upset. I immediately started researching. Everything I read stated that anything over 5 was considered pregnant and the first blood draw did not matter as much as long as the number was doubling every 42 hours. I understand that the nurse has to go over all possible scenarios over the phone but that had me stressed out to the max! I still had a couple of cheap pregnancy test left at home so I took one that night and another one on Tuesday night. The line was getting darker each time. I was also nauseous on and off. All of a sudden on Tuesday I just had a sense of calming come over me and I knew everything was going to be “okay”. Wednesday morning I went to the Dr and had my blood drawn again. Waiting for the call for the results that day was brutal! Around noon the phone rang… my levels raised to 103!!! They more than doubled. I was so relieved and happy! My first ultrasound was scheduled two weeks out.
I was 6 weeks and 5 days at my first ultrasound. As I was laying on the table it felt like forever before the Sonographer said anything. I immediately had a gut feeling something was wrong. I had been doing research for days on what a scan at 6 weeks should look like. We should have seen a baby inside the sac and the heart should have been beating, instead we saw a sac and a sac only. The gestational sac was measuring right on time at 6 weeks but there was nothing inside. I was continuing to have pregnancy symptoms and have positive test because my body had not caught on to the fact that there was no longer a baby. The Sonographer can only say so much so we waited to speak with the doctor to see where we go from here. Our Doctor was very sympathetic when explaining my different options but I felt like I was in a twilight zone during that whole conversation. The Dr. wanted me to come back in a week for another ultrasound to check one more time before making any decisions. After my next scan if there has been no progress, we have 3 options: wait for my body to pass it on its own (eventually the body will catch on), take pills to induce the miscarriage in order to remove the sac, or have a D&C where you are under anesthesia and they preform a surgical procedure to clean out the uterus.
The day of my ultrasound, I woke up bleeding, but it stopped after a couple hours. We went to our follow up ultrasound and found that the sac was still growing but there was still no heartbeat. I had a week to process this information so honestly I expected it even though I was hoping for a miracle. I chose to take Cytotec in order to induce the miscarriage. It was very painful (I guess a little sneak peak into actual labor). I took the medicine at 1:30pm and by 5:30pm I passed the sac but continued to bleed for another two weeks. Yes, this hurt physically but it hurt even more mentally and emotionally. I have prayed and prayed and prayed to carry a baby and start a family and it finally happened only to be taken away. It sucks. There are no other words for it.
Suddenly the cravings stopped. The nausea stopped; all pregnancy symptoms I had been having completely stopped. People stopped sharing the good news in their lives in fear that they would hurt us. It’s a hard place to be in because that happiness for others does not disappear but it’s also hard to share that (and people actually believe you!) There were a few people that knew about the pregnancy so I had to explain what had happened more times than I would have liked… but I guess that’s what happens when you put your story on a platform. In sharing our story, it was so interesting to see how different people reacted to the news. We heard things like, “There must have been something wrong with the baby.” or “don’t worry, it will happen again.” We even heard, “It will be okay” but with some of those hurtful comments came some of the most incredible words we’ve heard. We were pointed to our savior, we were reminded of the importance of having a community of friends and family to lean on, we were loved on and blessed in many ways we never had even expected When telling people. If someone shares that they have had a miscarriage and you’re caught off guard or don’t know what to say, just tell them: “I am so, so sorry for your loss.” Don’t try to explain it, don’t tell them about your friend who went on to have many healthy babies, don’t belittle the experience, don’t tell them that things happen for a reason, just be with them.
Honestly this has been a roller coaster of a journey so far and I would not wish this on my worst enemy. While I am so sad, so defeated, and so exhausted, I also rest assured knowing I can get pregnant and I will get pregnant again and I will carry a healthy baby to term. I will keep my faith. I know God has a plan and I will trust in him. He will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born. I am going to give the time I need to give in order for my body to heal and when it is time to try again, I will dust myself off and try again. One day I will have my rainbow baby in my arms and I know that moment will be worth the wait and all the hurt.
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